I've heard others talk about how even at their heaviest, in their mind they don't view themselves that way. Sort of like the reverse of body dysmorphic disorder - or the opposite of how anorexics see themselves as fat. I completely do this as do many others in lap band blog land as well per their posts.
But, why is it that I do this as I'm gaining weight but not when I'm thinner? It's been a long time, but thinking back to when I was a healthier weight, I never accepted that I was thinner. I still saw myself as significantly overweight. It was never enough. I never attained the goal - whatever it was. Even if the number was right (or close to right), my butt was still too big, my face too round, the size was still too high, etc. It was never enough and always an issue. I always had a weight issue.
This time.... I want to work on this.
One of my goals is to work on bringing my vision of myself in my mind in line with what is actually on the outside. To try to see myself as others see me and celebrate the positive while giving myself a break on the less than perfect.
And - news flash - our self worth doesn't need to be unconditionally tied into what the scale says. I'm not less of a wonderful person because I'm super heavy right now. And, I won't be more of a wonderful person when I'm thinner. I will be more active, more healthy, more energetic.... lot's and lot's of "more's". But, my intrinsic value as a super human being is inside of me always. It doesn't change.
Maybe that's why I've been left unsatisfied when achieving weight loss goals in the past. I expect bells to go off, balloons to drop, a tattoo to appear on my forehead or something when I'm thinner and I've suddenly achieved nirvana. Nope, I'm still the same person just in better pants and hopefully a whole lot less sweaty.
Please God let there be less sweating!
Chapter 38: This one is for me
2 weeks ago