Tuesday, April 20, 2010

If.... When....

I understand that some women have pregnancies that progress much like a Hallmark card ad. After deciding to conceive, it happens quickly and then you cut to a fuzzy image of an excited moment in the bathroom, an endearingly cute way to tell the new dad-to-be followed by weeks of happy preparations that end with a beautiful newborn. I'm thrilled that some people have that experience. Delighted. That's how it should be. Unfortunately, it doesn't always happen that way. Even if you end up at the finish line with a beautiful newborn, there can be many bumps and less than Hallmark worthy events along the way.

It took me a while (and a lot of drugs) to conceive my daughter. Once pregnant, the worrying really began. I bled at about 8 weeks and was convinced that I was losing the baby. Thankfully I didn't and I made it through the rest of my pregnancy (with a lot of ultrasounds checking on things) to arrive at a relatively smooth labor and delivery and the arrival of the most precious little girl in the world.

This is a lap band blog right? Why am I bringing up pregnancy? Well, when I was pregnant, my friends pointed out that it took me until I was about 7 months along to start saying "when we have the baby" instead of "if we have the baby". I was so scared that I was going to loose the baby that I couldn't even verbalize a certainty. I didn't want to jinx anything. I think I was also so nervous that this could actually happen. I could have a baby.

After seeing my therapist for the psych evaluation, she suggested that I start seeing her again as I embark on this lap band journey. In talking to her, I realized that I'm terrified from moving from "if" to "when". If I lose weight. If I have the surgery. If I could get my weight issues under control. What happens when you move from if to when?

I've read a few posts this week about what it means to be thin or get to "goal"? It's wonderful to read these discussions and to dream about being at that point - and exciting to see that others are! At this point, it's such a foreign concept to me to even imagine loosing 50 lbs let alone the 110 I hope to lose. The possibility of failure is almost too much to bear - just as with my pregnancy.

I vocalized this with my therapist and explained that on a certain level, I am worried that if I fail at this, what else is there? It's the end of the road. She said "you won't fail. You will lose weight". That's almost even more scary. Beyond thrilling but scary. I've never not failed at this before. I know how that works. I can do that - God knows I have. I can succeed too but I've got to start working on moving from the "if" to the "when". This is going to happen - in part because of the band but in large part because of me. I can do this and I will. WHEN I lose the weight, I won't be perfect but I will be healthy and most importantly, happy with my body - imperfections and all!


  1. YEAH! I get to be the first follower. I am new to blogging also. I find it very therapeutic. Good luck with all of the insurance requirement and just keep your head up. I am waiting for insurance approval now.

  2. Hi, Susan. Found your blog from the comment you left on Heather's blog. My last appointment of my 6-month hell is in June. I'm hoping to get banded in July, so we'll be going through a lot of the same stuff at the same time. If you want, I'd love to have you follow my blog so we can support each other.

    And by the way, don't feel like you can only post about band stuff. I'm so glad your story ended happy and you have a beautiful daughter. I have 2 girls - 11 and 14 - and love them so much.

    Take care.

  3. First of all, I'm so glad you got a lovely little girl. I too wondered about the "if". Mine has been 45 years of trying everything and nothing was permanent. This time it is. I can now say when I lose the weight it will stay off. This is the only hope I have to keep alive and well so maybe that is part of it but keep going. I didn't have a long time between decision and surgery as I was self-pay but it still is a discovery of ourselves. I don't think I ever got this deep with any other "diet". Blogging (and reading blogs) has been my saviour. Welcome to our world and glad I found your blog. If you would like more followers (and more comments), leave a lot of comments on blogs you like and also leave your link. Good luck on the journey. You will so get there. Believe.

  4. just found your blog... thanks for the post! It took us a while too... and I'll be honest - I'm banded for 14 months now, and sometimes I still think about the "if I get skinny"... not when - and I've lost 75 pounds! It DOES HAPPEN... sometimes the brain doesn't keep up and other times it jumps ahead. If you can keep on with therapy, it is a wonderful thing. Blogging has actually done that for me vs. the hour a week that I was finding a bit dull. (whoops - did I say that out loud? LOL...)... at any rate, good luck - the worries and fears are completely normal! Welcome to the band-blog world!