I understand that some women have pregnancies that progress much like a Hallmark card ad. After deciding to conceive, it happens quickly and then you cut to a fuzzy image of an excited moment in the bathroom, an endearingly cute way to tell the new dad-to-be followed by weeks of happy preparations that end with a beautiful newborn. I'm thrilled that some people have that experience. Delighted. That's how it should be. Unfortunately, it doesn't always happen that way. Even if you end up at the finish line with a beautiful newborn, there can be many bumps and less than Hallmark worthy events along the way.
It took me a while (and a lot of drugs) to conceive my daughter. Once pregnant, the worrying really began. I bled at about 8 weeks and was convinced that I was losing the baby. Thankfully I didn't and I made it through the rest of my pregnancy (with a lot of ultrasounds checking on things) to arrive at a relatively smooth labor and delivery and the arrival of the most precious little girl in the world.
This is a lap band blog right? Why am I bringing up pregnancy? Well, when I was pregnant, my friends pointed out that it took me until I was about 7 months along to start saying "when we have the baby" instead of "if we have the baby". I was so scared that I was going to loose the baby that I couldn't even verbalize a certainty. I didn't want to jinx anything. I think I was also so nervous that this could actually happen. I could have a baby.
After seeing my therapist for the psych evaluation, she suggested that I start seeing her again as I embark on this lap band journey. In talking to her, I realized that I'm terrified from moving from "if" to "when". If I lose weight. If I have the surgery. If I could get my weight issues under control. What happens when you move from if to when?
I've read a few posts this week about what it means to be thin or get to "goal"? It's wonderful to read these discussions and to dream about being at that point - and exciting to see that others are! At this point, it's such a foreign concept to me to even imagine loosing 50 lbs let alone the 110 I hope to lose. The possibility of failure is almost too much to bear - just as with my pregnancy.
I vocalized this with my therapist and explained that on a certain level, I am worried that if I fail at this, what else is there? It's the end of the road. She said "you won't fail. You will lose weight". That's almost even more scary. Beyond thrilling but scary. I've never not failed at this before. I know how that works. I can do that - God knows I have. I can succeed too but I've got to start working on moving from the "if" to the "when". This is going to happen - in part because of the band but in large part because of me. I can do this and I will. WHEN I lose the weight, I won't be perfect but I will be healthy and most importantly, happy with my body - imperfections and all!
Chapter 38: This one is for me
2 weeks ago