Thursday, December 30, 2010

Buying size 16 jeans at the regular Gap at the mall. Oh yeah, they're skinny jeans. Goal achieved.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Fill numero three

Saw Dr. Minkin today. I'm down 12 ish pounds since I saw him at the end of October for a total of 71 ish per his scale. He was very complimentary of my progress thus far. It's silly how encouraging this is for me. It's like getting a good grade in school - a big motivator for the geek that I am.

He even said that maybe I'll hit 100 down by my next appointment. Wow. I see him again on Feb. 23 so it's a possibility. I'm going to hunker down and do my best to get there.

I didn't ask him how much of a fill he put in. I can feel that it's tighter when drinking now. Soup for lunch and coffee now.

I was describing the fill to my mom. For me, it's uncomfortable, but not awful. I try to keep talking like when you're getting a pap smear to distract myself. The "stick" is more ouchy than when getting blood drawn. A bigger needle maybe? He got the port on the first try this time. It was a little stingy after he took the needle out but I think that's just because it bleeds a bit and the alcohol used to clean my stomach makes it sting. Sorry for TMI but I thought this might be helpful for anyone new. The fill thing kind of freaks me out a little since he had a more difficult time finding my port the last time. I was glad it was one try and in today.

He gave me a prescription for blood work today which is good. I'll be glad to check in on things. I'm going to start tracking my protein intake again. I've gotten a bit sloppy on making sure that I'm getting enough. I still largely eat protein but I'm not confident that I'm meeting the targets consistently.

I'd never discussed a goal weight with him and wanted to ask him what he thought. He said given my height, that he thought 170 would be a good weight for me. 191 has been my goal and then 173 for a stretch goal. I think I'm going to round things off and say 190 for my goal and 170 for my stretch goal. It's a bummer that 170 still does not get me into the "normal" bmi category. 163 does that. We'll see but I have a feeling the OCD person inside of me will want to make it to the normal category.

Who is this person that is talking about weighing 170 pounds? Let alone 163 pounds. This would be by far the thinnest I've been as an adult. Total phen-fen weight. I think this is about what I weighed when I was "thin" in college too.

What a journey this is. At the beginning, even losing 40 pounds seemed incomprehensible. Now, actually making it to my stretch goal seems definitely plausible (still too nervous to jinx anything). Maybe even attainable by my one year bandiversary. What's even more amazing is the good prospects for then maintaining my goal weight. Frankly, I think that's the best thing of all.

NSV today... I went to Nordstrom and shopped in the regular department. Walked right on by the women's department. Tried on a bunch of cardigans to go with my new skinny jeans and ended up buying two (thanks H & J for my birthday present!).

I'm trying really hard to hold off on buying things before goal and I think I'm going to need to stay out of stores. Having things fit is intoxicating. I also tried on a size 16 pair of trousers. They zipped but would be a bit obscene to wear. But, let's focus on the "they fit" part.

Off to the tailors next week. I'm getting 3 or 4 pairs of pants taken in and hope that that will get me through for a while.

And side note, I'm really not wigging out that much about turning 37 - notwithstanding the eight million times I mentioned it in my earlier post. For some reason, I can feel 40 out there, looming a bit more these days. But, I know I'll be a much, much healthier 40.

Happy New Year!!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Time to face facts... things have changed.

Happy Christmas - and happy Christmas being over. We had a really nice holiday plus, my birthday was yesterday so we get all sorts of celebrating wrapped into a condensed period of time.

The above is a photo of my daughter and I with our matching headlamps so we can read at bedtime.

My Mom made my favorite dessert for my birthday and it officially marks the end of holiday indulgence for me. In yet another "things have changed" oddity, I'm actually looking forward to healthy eating. For now at least.

I need to really spend some time trying to articulate how my mind has changed in regards to food and eating. I seem to spend most of the time sputtering out a variation on "it's so weird" but I need to figure out how to be more specific than that. It is so weird though!

So, what all has changed. The world of denim for one. I think all of Target heard me laughing in the dressing room last night as I was trying on skinny jeans. Yes, heaven help us. I tried on skinny jeans.

So, I have these short "booties". I wore them out to dinner with dear friends recently. My calves still aren't small enough for tall boots. I have really big calves. And that's just a fact, not even bait for "no Susan, they're not big." They are.

But I digress. We're actually going to a New Year's eve party. It's at someones house, with kids so I don't want to get too fancy. I'm not sure how everyone else is going to dress. I am the queen of the long sweater and recently got a new black one. I thought it might look nice with jeans and my new booties. But, I only have one pair of jeans that fit (more on that later) and they're boot cut. Not tuck-in-able.

Thus, I entered the world of the skinny jean. Heaven help us all. Is this a colossal mistake? Are the small children going to run away screaming? I have to say that my ability to judge is so out of practice, I think it's pretty much disappeared.

I have become one of those weight loss "afters", or rather "durings" who is still wearing pants that are three sizes too big under the false pretense that they are just fine. Maybe people at work don't comment a lot on my weight loss because I'm still wearing the same clothes that I wore 75 pounds ago.

I'm in a sort of limbo right now. I'm planning on losing about 35 more pounds which I know will impact my size considerably. Thus, I don't want to make a lot of investments that are just going to get chucked in a few months. But, I really need to stop hitching up my pants. I think I'm going to pull out a pair of black pants and tan pants and get them altered so they fit for now. I hope they'll get me through a bit longer. Then, when I get to goal, I'll get new ones.

I have one pair of jeans that fit and they'll get me through casual for a bit. And, I bought a new pair of "stretchy" pants at Target last night. An XL. Fits just fine. Maybe even a little roomy. Maybe I'll be an L when all of this is done? Maybe a M - surely not.

So, back to the changes in the denim world. I sort of feel like an alien that has landed on earth for the first time when shopping for jeans in the "regular" department.

First - sizes. I had been toying with the idea of skinny jeans for a bit. We were at Target last night and the first display we walked by was a rack of skinny jeans. I thought - this might be a good idea. Cute jeans, cheap price. Let's look...

Who knows what size I was. Who knows if they had it. They were waist sizes. I have no clue. Didn't even know if we were even in the right ballpark. Walked on by.

Then, I guess I was in the juniors department and realized that sizes now go up to 17. They stopped at 13 when I still wore junior sizes. Grabbed a couple of pairs to try.

Then, the jeggings. Now, when I was pregnant, my maternity jeans had a fake zipper and an elastic waist. Genius. However, I'm not sure if jeggings are really appropriate for the non maternity set (or the non 4 year old). Grabbed some to try on anyway.

Finally made it to the misses sizes and grabbed a few more.

I understand from other blogger's comments that Target sizes are generous. I guess the 16 skinny jeans fit. If they are supposed to end about an inch above my bum division which I think they are. I'm pretty sure the top half of the pants were missing on these low rise pants. I don't think a 37 year old is supposed to wear these? Thank God I missed the entire low, low, low rise craze. The laughter begins.

Then, the jeggings. What a concept. On the next day's trip to Old Navy, I tried on more jeggings and had to text my friend who is a buyer for Kohl's to make sure that a 37 year old WLS patient in jeggings wouldn't get laughed at. She says I won't.

I purchased a size 16 pair of skinny jeans from Old Navy. They fit. I also understand that Old Navy sizes are generous but these are skinny jeans so I'm thinking that that might even things out a bit? Even when I'm a reasonable size, baby still has considerable back.

But the quest is not over. I'm going to check out the Elle jegging at Kohl's that my friend recommended. Still need to try all of this together to avoid the laughter.

Ok, what else has changed....

Mirrors are not the enemy. I've spent a lot of the last 5, 6, 7, 8 years or so avoiding looking at myself in mirrors. Even now at home, I have to work at looking at myself in a full length mirror. Have to get the mirror out from behind the door, set it up where I can see into it, turn on the big light. Doesn't happen a lot.

When I went to Texas a few weeks ago, I caught a glimpse of myself in the full length mirror in my hotel room. Oh, that isn't right I thought. That mirror is a skinny mirror. Wait a second, is it? I have no idea. A month or so before I'd had the same experience at the Nordstrom rack. I have no confidence in my ability to gauge what is looking back at me from the mirror. Last night at Target, I was looking in the mirror and realized... It's not a skinny mirror. I'm not just a slightly smaller version of what I was at my heaviest anymore. I'm considerably smaller. I look at my stomach and think "oh, I'm holding it in," - try to stick it out, no ... I'm not holding it in." It's just smaller. I can't tell you how many times I've done this. Silly.

These next 35 pounds are going to make an even bigger difference I think. All I can muster for now is "it's so weird".

I'm someone who is still overweight. Still obese actually by the medical charts. But, I'm in the lowest category of being obese as opposed to the top category. I don't wear a woman's size anymore (and a large one at that). I'm pretty sure I wear an 18, maybe even a 16 these days. My shoe size is again a 9, 9 1/2 (not a snug 10). Just as I now have to shop in the little girl's department instead of the toddler's section for my daughter, I now need to move to a different section for me. It's so weird!

I'll post a picture of the New Year's Eve outfit. Honest feedback requested please. Can't trust myself yet.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

RIP 2010 Christmas Cookies

While you were delicious while you lasted, I'm pretty sure having cookies for dinner three nights in a row is not what my doctor had in mind when he said "don't worry about he calories, just focus on three meals."

It's a little weird to enjoy Christmas cookies like regular people do - indulge during the season an cleanse in the new year.

They were great. I'm glad they're gone.

Here is to a 2011 filled with many more remarkable moments!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Too. Many. Cookies.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Yep - it's time for a fill I do believe. The holidays plus PMS plus a bit less restriction are combining to significantly lessen the odds that I will reach my 79 pounds down goal by Christmas.

Still bouncing around between about 74 to 70 down. With my poor choices over the last few days, I'm thrilled with that. We're baking cookies this weekend so that will be a big challenge.

Even with really bad choices, I'm amazed when I compare it to the poor choices pre-band. The other night we stopped by DQ (unfortunately right by my daughter's school) for dinner. Great mom. I got popcorn shrimp and a mini blizzard (that really is pretty mini). I ate about half of the shrimp and the blizzard. Not awesome but it could have been a shrimp basket, a cheeseburger and a regular size blizzard.

So, I'm trying to recognize that I'm going to have to work hard if I want to see the scale move again before my doctor's appointment on Dec. 29.

It's funny how my brain works too. Even though I've lost a solid 70 pounds (wow), a couple of days of backsliding really makes the old demons rear their ugly heads. The band is an amazing tool but it is no way a cure all. Thank God for it though.

I remember after Valerie Bertinelli lost her weight with Jenny Craig, she had a New Year's resolution commercial and she teared up because for the first time in forever, her resolution wasn't to lose weight. I remember tearing up too because I was still heavy with limited prospects of losing the weight.

This year, I'm amazed. I remember before my surgery I told my husband (tearfully) that I almost couldn't even dream that at some point I wouldn't have oppressive issues with food and my weight. It was too unbelieveable. Too much to hope for.

Heaven knows, the issues that got me to my highest weight are still there but so much more manageable. As the people in AA like to say... I don't have a problem, I have a program. Thank God the band is my program!
It's amazing to turn the corner on the year and not want to switch the weight loss commercials because I feel bad. Now, I just want to switch them because they're annoying. I have the energy and fortitude to start working on other areas of my life now that my weight isn't this (pun intended) weight weighing my down. Ha.

So, I will try to make good choices. I will try to keep the scale moving downward. I will do my best. And, I will not beat myself up when I make a choice that isn't "good". It's ok. It's normal. That's what people that don't have issues with food do. Sometimes the indulge, sometimes they don't. I need to get this printed on a tee shirt.

And, when I get to my goal of 108 lbs down, I'm going to get this dress which I LOVE!!! In black of course. Picture above - sorry, I can't figure out how to get it down into the text.

Happy Holidays! Happy Baking! Happy Keep Fighting the Good Fight!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Guess what I did yesterday? I walked into Banana Republic and saw a black crew neck sweater (which I've wanted/needed), picked it up, thought it would fit, bought it and took it home. Regular store, regular sweater. Just bought it and took it home. And it fits - the XL is pretty roomy actually. HUGE NSV!