Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Time to face facts... things have changed.

Happy Christmas - and happy Christmas being over. We had a really nice holiday plus, my birthday was yesterday so we get all sorts of celebrating wrapped into a condensed period of time.

The above is a photo of my daughter and I with our matching headlamps so we can read at bedtime.

My Mom made my favorite dessert for my birthday and it officially marks the end of holiday indulgence for me. In yet another "things have changed" oddity, I'm actually looking forward to healthy eating. For now at least.

I need to really spend some time trying to articulate how my mind has changed in regards to food and eating. I seem to spend most of the time sputtering out a variation on "it's so weird" but I need to figure out how to be more specific than that. It is so weird though!

So, what all has changed. The world of denim for one. I think all of Target heard me laughing in the dressing room last night as I was trying on skinny jeans. Yes, heaven help us. I tried on skinny jeans.

So, I have these short "booties". I wore them out to dinner with dear friends recently. My calves still aren't small enough for tall boots. I have really big calves. And that's just a fact, not even bait for "no Susan, they're not big." They are.

But I digress. We're actually going to a New Year's eve party. It's at someones house, with kids so I don't want to get too fancy. I'm not sure how everyone else is going to dress. I am the queen of the long sweater and recently got a new black one. I thought it might look nice with jeans and my new booties. But, I only have one pair of jeans that fit (more on that later) and they're boot cut. Not tuck-in-able.

Thus, I entered the world of the skinny jean. Heaven help us all. Is this a colossal mistake? Are the small children going to run away screaming? I have to say that my ability to judge is so out of practice, I think it's pretty much disappeared.

I have become one of those weight loss "afters", or rather "durings" who is still wearing pants that are three sizes too big under the false pretense that they are just fine. Maybe people at work don't comment a lot on my weight loss because I'm still wearing the same clothes that I wore 75 pounds ago.

I'm in a sort of limbo right now. I'm planning on losing about 35 more pounds which I know will impact my size considerably. Thus, I don't want to make a lot of investments that are just going to get chucked in a few months. But, I really need to stop hitching up my pants. I think I'm going to pull out a pair of black pants and tan pants and get them altered so they fit for now. I hope they'll get me through a bit longer. Then, when I get to goal, I'll get new ones.

I have one pair of jeans that fit and they'll get me through casual for a bit. And, I bought a new pair of "stretchy" pants at Target last night. An XL. Fits just fine. Maybe even a little roomy. Maybe I'll be an L when all of this is done? Maybe a M - surely not.

So, back to the changes in the denim world. I sort of feel like an alien that has landed on earth for the first time when shopping for jeans in the "regular" department.

First - sizes. I had been toying with the idea of skinny jeans for a bit. We were at Target last night and the first display we walked by was a rack of skinny jeans. I thought - this might be a good idea. Cute jeans, cheap price. Let's look...

Who knows what size I was. Who knows if they had it. They were waist sizes. I have no clue. Didn't even know if we were even in the right ballpark. Walked on by.

Then, I guess I was in the juniors department and realized that sizes now go up to 17. They stopped at 13 when I still wore junior sizes. Grabbed a couple of pairs to try.

Then, the jeggings. Now, when I was pregnant, my maternity jeans had a fake zipper and an elastic waist. Genius. However, I'm not sure if jeggings are really appropriate for the non maternity set (or the non 4 year old). Grabbed some to try on anyway.

Finally made it to the misses sizes and grabbed a few more.

I understand from other blogger's comments that Target sizes are generous. I guess the 16 skinny jeans fit. If they are supposed to end about an inch above my bum division which I think they are. I'm pretty sure the top half of the pants were missing on these low rise pants. I don't think a 37 year old is supposed to wear these? Thank God I missed the entire low, low, low rise craze. The laughter begins.

Then, the jeggings. What a concept. On the next day's trip to Old Navy, I tried on more jeggings and had to text my friend who is a buyer for Kohl's to make sure that a 37 year old WLS patient in jeggings wouldn't get laughed at. She says I won't.

I purchased a size 16 pair of skinny jeans from Old Navy. They fit. I also understand that Old Navy sizes are generous but these are skinny jeans so I'm thinking that that might even things out a bit? Even when I'm a reasonable size, baby still has considerable back.

But the quest is not over. I'm going to check out the Elle jegging at Kohl's that my friend recommended. Still need to try all of this together to avoid the laughter.

Ok, what else has changed....

Mirrors are not the enemy. I've spent a lot of the last 5, 6, 7, 8 years or so avoiding looking at myself in mirrors. Even now at home, I have to work at looking at myself in a full length mirror. Have to get the mirror out from behind the door, set it up where I can see into it, turn on the big light. Doesn't happen a lot.

When I went to Texas a few weeks ago, I caught a glimpse of myself in the full length mirror in my hotel room. Oh, that isn't right I thought. That mirror is a skinny mirror. Wait a second, is it? I have no idea. A month or so before I'd had the same experience at the Nordstrom rack. I have no confidence in my ability to gauge what is looking back at me from the mirror. Last night at Target, I was looking in the mirror and realized... It's not a skinny mirror. I'm not just a slightly smaller version of what I was at my heaviest anymore. I'm considerably smaller. I look at my stomach and think "oh, I'm holding it in," - try to stick it out, no ... I'm not holding it in." It's just smaller. I can't tell you how many times I've done this. Silly.

These next 35 pounds are going to make an even bigger difference I think. All I can muster for now is "it's so weird".

I'm someone who is still overweight. Still obese actually by the medical charts. But, I'm in the lowest category of being obese as opposed to the top category. I don't wear a woman's size anymore (and a large one at that). I'm pretty sure I wear an 18, maybe even a 16 these days. My shoe size is again a 9, 9 1/2 (not a snug 10). Just as I now have to shop in the little girl's department instead of the toddler's section for my daughter, I now need to move to a different section for me. It's so weird!

I'll post a picture of the New Year's Eve outfit. Honest feedback requested please. Can't trust myself yet.


  1. Sounds like things are going really well. So glad to hear it.

  2. You're doing great. I'm a 37 year old woman and live in jeggings, so comfortable!