Where to begin?
I have a job interview this afternoon - first one in 12+ years.
I ran a 5k last weekend - ran it. Ran.
I've gained weight but am still down 80 pounds and expect to get the 15 or so that have crept back on off at some point.
I haven't bitten my nails in about three months.
I have had my "band" for 18 months now. 18 months of not being ruled by food. Of not beating myself up constantly about what I'm eating or not eating. 18 months of a journey, not an all or nothing.
I didn't train like I should have (or rather, maybe wanted to because who says there is an absolute on how you should train) for the 5k. The day or two before, I was talking to myself in my head a lot about what I could "count" as success. I wanted to run the entire race. If I ran the entire race, that meant I met my goal. No wait, it's not all good or all bad, there is an in-between. No wait, I wanted to be able to say I ran the entire thing. I found myself going back to "dieting". If I stayed true to my plan - whatever plan it was for the given attempt - I was good. Successful. On track. If I had one peanut outside of the plan, I was bad. Black mark. Off the wagon.
Nope. Life isn't an absolute. People that have a regular relationship with food don't binge after they have an extra peanut. People that run the entire 5k except for up 3 or 4 of the steep hills after never having run further than one mile in their entire life get to say that yes, they ran a 5k. No qualifications. No ifs ands or buts.
Is my life perfect now that I can wear a size 14/16 and walk up stairs and run a 5k. Nope. But there is so much more peace in my head. Room for other things. Like finding a new job. The next step in my career. Letting someone else know that they would be lucky to find me and hire me and value me.
If this gig works out, awesome. If not, there's another one out there. But I have skills. I have options. I have possibilities. This may be getting a bit too "after-school special" but I believe in me and that is what is most important. Interestingly enough, I think weighing 300 pounds is part of how I came to understand that most important lesson of all. I'm still the me I was then. Now, I just value her the way I should have all along.
A Letter to My Body
1 day ago