I'm at the mall. In a regular store. Buying size 14 pants and L tops. Truly bizarro world. Time to start getting dressed facing the mirror in dressing rooms. This still doesn't feel real!!!

13.6 To Go!

Liquids stink but it's nice to see downward movement!

A Long and Rambling Update

I've got about eight post it notes floating around with thoughts and ideas for a blog post. Why I'm still at essentially the same weight that I've been in what feels like forever. Why I'm anxious to get to goal. How this size/body is starting to feel normal. How I can eat just fine after my un-fill and having gotten a glimpse of maintaining (after having essentially maintained for the last few months), I'm feeling pretty good about that. - But, we'll get to those thoughts in more depth at some point. Maybe. - I went and saw Dr. Minkin today. I'd lost 3 pounds by his scale since I last saw him for my unfill. I think that was around the end of January. He gave me a bit of a pep talk which is totally warranted and said again though that I was doing well. - He had put .5 ccs into the band with my last fill and took that out. He put .4 back in today. I chugged the cup of water after and it went down just fine - I could feel it a little though. He said he felt a bit of a push back when he put the fluid in. Not sure what that's about exactly. - I'm hopefully that this gets me back to a good spot (not that I've been in an awful spot). Restricted but no reflux. Hunger diminished. Sailing on to goal. - Speaking of the goal. I'm so freaking close! When I was super heavy, it was so daunting to think about the huge (pun intended) amount of weight that I needed to lose. I had always been able to lose 20 pounds, no problem. Losing one hundred plus was impossible. Now that I am 16 pounds away from an even 100 down, 25 away from 190 which would be "overweight" and then 35 away from my final goal.... it's so very very close. Close enough that I guess it's not too bad where I'm at. But, it's not the end. It's not goal. - I'm not really ancy to get to the goal because I think I look awful where I'm at and if I lose 35 more pounds I'll look good. Relatively speaking, I look just fine. Not that there isn't incredible room for improvement like hopefully these next 35 pounds will mostly come off of my midsection but it's an entirely differently ballgame these days than it was less than a year ago. - I want to see the numbers though. I want to say I've lost 100 pounds - to me at least. It's a little embarrassing to tell someone else. I want to know that I'm no longer "obese" but merely overweight. I want to go GOOOAAAALLLLL!!!! on my blog. And, I want to buy pants, and shirts, and dresses, and belts (who knew) and fancy jeans and and and. And I want to know that when I buy them, I can invest if I want to. I won't have to worry if I'll be able to get them taken in or not. Or, that I'll have to get rid of my new favorite pants because they don't fit anymore. Oh, the challenges of the weight stable population. - And again, how do people that consistently wear a regular size deal with all of the selection options out there. It is really overwhelming. - So, my doctor says liquids for one day, soft foods the next then your regular diet. Last fill I pushed it (nachos on day three or four as I recall). I'm going to do liquids today and tomorrow and then soft foods for the next two days before easing back into a regular diet. Hopefully this will help the fill settle in and provide a nice little dip on the scale. - Three more goals - 16 to 100 down, 25 to 190 then 35 to 180. It's time to get it done.

Checking In

Still 80ish pounds down. I'm glad I track my weight weekly on my handy-dandy spreadsheet. It feels like I haven't lost anything in months. Overly dramatic much? Looking a gift horse in the mouth much?

I've lost 80 pounds in 8 month - part of me tells myself to quit my bitching. The spreadsheet helps to bring me a bit back to reality.

Turns out, I've lost 10 pounds since the beginning of December. 10 pounds over the last 2 1/2, almost 3 months. So, more than nothing but definitely not setting the world on fire.

For essentially all of January and February, I have bounced around between 221.6 and 215.6. The good news - I've gotten a taste of maintenance and I think it will be fine. I haven't been making the best choices. Been eating too many sweets, not enough protein, not enough water, too much grazing. But, staying pretty steady at about 218 ish.

But, 218 isn't the goal. Time to kick this into gear.

I've had many of the inevitable internal discussions with myself about to fill or not to fill. Do I need one? Can I eat too much? Is that the issue. I had an appointment with my Doctor for tomorrow and I just called and rescheduled it for April 4. I've decided my fill level isn't the issue.

Now, I can eat a whole bunch of things. I've had rice. I've had bread. I've had toast. But, my portion size needed to get full is still pretty minimal. For example, I made steak for dinner on Sunday. I've never cooked a steak before. I'm always afraid I'll ruin it but it turned out great.

So, for dinner I had about 4-5 bites of salad with a few pistachios, asiago , vinaigrette, about 4-5 bites of my steak, about 2 bites of bread and about 4 bites of mashed potatoes. Plus maybe an ounce or two of red wine. I could eat everything. I had to take small bites and chew well. This was a very modest amount of food though and I was full. Very satisfied. Plus, we had this for dinner and I'd had very little to eat throughout the day - essentially just coffee and a spoonful or two of chunky peanut butter.

If I want to continue to lose weight, I need to limit the sweets and up the protein and water. It seems like I lose if I'm between 800-1000 calories a day. This seems like nothing but I think I can actually eat that much and be satisfied. I'm starting to track what I'm eating again so I can get a real sense of my calorie intake and protein intake.

Does anyone else get the shoulder pain still? I find that my shoulder hurts both when I'm really full and when I'm hungry or I should be hungry. I don't eat much during the day on the weekends (as long as I'm busy) besides coffee and I find that my shoulder starts to hurt well before my stomach starts to growl. I've gotten used to it and it's not awful but it's sort of funny.

I saw 215.6 this morning. Hopefully we'll see it again (and lower) soon! It's time to go shopping!

Just set a goal already!

I am amazed that I am close enough to a "goal" number that it is in spitting distance. Bizarre. If anything, having lost weight is even more intangible to me lately. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I just feel good in my skin. I feel sort of like "normal" me.

My "small" size 18 jeans that I bought at the regular Gap are getting a bit too big. Still ok but I can start drying them in the dryer :).

I've even gotten a few - "you don't need to lose anymore weight" comments. Nuts! Of course, I get those wearing all black and modern shapewear garments. But still.

So, I've been thinking a lot about the end game. What is the goal? How close am I? How much more do I need to lose? I'm starting to get a little antsy.

Originally, I'd set my goal at 190. It was the lowest I could remember being as an adult after college. I knew that was a weight at which I could shop in most stores and feel good. Also, it had a 1 at the beginning of it. And, it was at the tippy top of the overweight BMI category - officially not obese.

I think I started to get a little greedy though. Intoxicated by the loss. If I could get to 190, then I could get to 180, then 170. And then heck, if I could get to 170, why wouldn't I bring it on home to a normal BMI at 163.

163 is a weight I haven't been at since at least junior high. 163 would mean losing roughly 60 more pounds. That's a lot. When I look at me without the shapewear, there are still a lot of lumps and bumps. I don't think I'm ever going to be bikini material and that's fine. But I think 60 more pounds is going to be too much. Dear God - is that possible?

Yes, I think it is. So, I've thought a lot about what is a good goal. For now, I've changed my ticker to 180 - and removed the second ticker. To get to 180, I need to lose 36 more pounds. I can see where those 36 pounds can come from and it will be good to have them gone. I think at 180, I'll be thin (for me) and hopefully not too saggy/droopy/strained looking. At 180, I should be a solid size 12. Beyond awesome. Any store, any where, any time. Except for Louis Vuitton or the like which should be fine.

So, that's my goal and I'm sticking to it. For now at least. 180 lbs. Size 12. A solid 120 lost (which would actually be 179 but who's being nit picky). 36 more pounds. 36 pounds. Amazing. And amazingly wonderful. I'm even looking forward to the swimming pool this summer.

Oh - and another NSV, I went to the Gap Outlet this weekend and stocked up on new tee shirts. All size XL and a pair of size 16 cargo-ish pants. I actually got a little fatigued when I turned the corner and saw that there were yet more regular size garments to look at. The women's department is conveniently spartan. Learning how to deal with options.

I think I'll always have a particular affinity for the dressing rooms at the Gap outlet which was the scene of my first successful NSV in selecting regular jeans. It's become a happy place for me.

Mom Brand

Did you know that Talbots, Ann Taylor, J.Jill are "Mom Brands"? I didn't. I mean I know that Talbots isn't the hippest and frankly most of my wardrobe has come from there over the last few years because they carried women's sizes. I will say, the new stuff they are doing is much, much better. Definitely like the new direction. Just not the final sale policy.

I like to read this fashion blog which graciously educated me about the Mom brand thing.

http://nymag.com/daily/fashion/

That's cool. I can embrace labels. Just, can we had "hip" for a Hip Mom Brand? Better than Hippy!

Size issues

The good news is - I'm wearing a size 14W dress today and it's too big. The bad news is I just bought it from Talbots online and it's a final sale.

I am out of women's sizes. Done. Finito. Don't need to go there anymore. Can I get a woo woo! The arms on the dress are way too big. The stomach is way too big. Until I got super big, I always had a relatively good shape - meaning, my girth was pretty proportional.

Funny moment... I was shopping at Saks one time a long time ago and the sales person commented on my shape and said something like I was a big girl but I wasn't "big". She was trying to be nice I think in saying that I was larger but had a good shape. Luckily I've had years of messed up compliments from my family to give me the context I needed to take such a comment appropriately.

Back to my current size. I also purchased two size 16 (regular) skirts from Talbots and both fit just fine. Yeah!! So, I believe that right now, I wear a size 16. All recent purchases (Talbots skirts, Gap skinny jeans) have been size 16. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

So when I extrapolate out to what size I'll be when I get to my initial goal weight of 190, I'm guessing it will be a definite 14 and even maybe a 12. 28.4 pounds to go.

Crazy to think what I might be if I make it to 163. Still not sure I want to end up there. We'll play it by ear. With a 15 pound allowance between sizes, I'm estimating a definite 10. Maybe even an 8 which is impossible. I have never ever ever in my adult life worn anything that was a size 8. I remember a had a dress that was a size 10 during the Phen-Fen days and it was obviously a mis-sized 10.

For now, no more internet purchases that are not returnable. And, no more internet purchases unless they are fantastic. Time to start shopping in stores. What a concept.