Post Fill Report

Wow - definitely much tighter. A day of liquids, then a day of mushies. Back to regular food today. I was hungry and got the eggs from the bakery across the street. It's sort of like a crustless quiche but very creamy. I do think I'm always tighter in the morning but much more so today. A few more bites and I'm going to put it away until lunch time and have coffee. I have been having a latte in the morning and that works well.

On the good news front - 4.2 pounds down since my fill. Nothing like a few days of minimal eating to get things going. I really cannot believe that I'm pushing 45 lbs down. That means the next benchmark would be 50! And then 60! And then, and then and then!

And in other good news, my DD started preschool this week. I can't believe she's so grown up already - total cliche but true. As I walked in with her this morning, holding her hand, I looked down at her with her butterfly backpack on and carrying her Iron Man lunchbag (selected by her - the girl likes her super heros!) and just couldn't believe we are already here. She had a good first day yesterday and hopefully a good second day today!

Oh - and I'm walking in a triathlon tomorrow. Just the walk/run part of it but still, I'm getting up at 7 a.m. on a Saturday to actually move. Nuts!

And finally - my BMI is under 40 - 38.7!

I Did It!

I wanted to hit 40 down by my doctor's appointment today. I was at 39.6 lbs down on Sunday and then again yesterday (bounced up a pound on Monday).

I weighed myself before my shower, after my shower and then finally I thought - one more time. 40.6 down! Now, some may quibble with a scale that can read anywhere within a range of 5 pounds but I saw the number once and I'm going to take it.

40 pounds! 40 pounds! 40 pounds!!! Yippee! Yippee! Yippee!

Why is this such a big deal to me? I still have 60 plus to lose. This only gets me to roughly where I was weight wise when I had my daughter.

I've never lost 40 pounds before. I've really never lost much more than 20 at a time. I've never stayed "on the wagon" for 2 1/2 months. I've never felt as much hope this far in as I did when I started.

I'm really proud of myself. My doctor seemed pleased with my progress. I asked about a calorie target. He said instead of worrying about calories that he suggests 4 meals with a focus on solid protein. By his scale, I've lost 36.6. pounds and 15 pounds since my last visit 6 weeks ago.

Time to start walking in earnest. No excuses. He called me on giving him the same answer on exercise that I gave him the time before. I want to have a better answer next time.

And the fill... I got 1 cc last time. He put in 1 1/2 cc's this time. He said it was unusual to put in more in a subsequent fill. I don't know why he went with that but I'll take it. I learned that my band had 2 cc's put in it when it was placed during surgery. So I guess I have 4 1/2 cc's. I think a lot of people start out with that much on their first fill. Who knows.

When I was drinking my water in the office, I burped quite a bit and it does feel tighter but everything is going down. I'm also going to really work hard on not drinking during meals or for one hour after. He said that can lead to a stretched pouch or a slipped band - do not want that.

And, it took him a bit to find the port. Yuck. It was more uncomfortable than painful but I hope it goes better next time. He thought he had a hard time the previous time but he didn't.

40 pounds. Can't imagine what I feel like with the next 40. Can't wait to find out!!

Re-Entry

We've returned from vacation. It was really a nice time - much needed relaxation and just hanging out. Lots of water and sun.

As I previously mentioned, I might have indulged in a bit of junk food on the trip. Chez-its. Skinny Cows (why do they make that last bit of chocolate so yummy!). Chips. Cheese. Not awful by any comparison to the old days but not great. I took a scale with me and it stayed in the same 1-2 pound range the entire week. I weighed myself this morning and depending on which reading I accept, I'm either up about 3 lbs from when I left or down .2 lbs. I think I need to get that scale that Joey just purchased.

So, my second fill is one week from today. I want to get down to a round 40 lbs down by then. Roughly 4 lbs. If I buckle down, I can do it. A detox of sorts.

Old Susan would have used vacation as an excuse to fall off the wagon and then to keep on falling. One night, while enjoying my 100 calorie Skinny Cow, I was thinking about how it was normal to enjoy extra treats while on vacation. Before my surgery, I'd had such bad habits all of the time that I was always "on vacation". It is nice to think that I can indulge occasionally and then get back to a more healthy routine. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. I haven't been "bad" if I have two skinny cows (again that would be 200 calories!) and I haven't been "good" if I don't.

When I started my last weight loss attempt before surgery, I thought a lot about wanting to have a healthy relationship with food. What a concept. Before though, this was about as likely as me going to the moon. Still not there yet but I do feel like I'm making so much progress. Kind of like what I talked about in my last post, having a healthy relationship with food (a peaceful relationship) is almost - almost - an even greater reward than losing the weight. I think in so many ways that it has always been an even more unattainable goal than losing weight. I could imagine being thinner but it was essentially unimaginable to not have issues with food, seemingly every minute of every day.

Again, still not there yet but it's starting to seem much more plausible that I could actually achieve both. Maybe it's not that the issues go away, but more that they are managable. Kind of like alcoholics in AA. They say that they don't have a problem, they have a program. Essentially they have a program that enables them to manage their problem. I'm working on my program.

Vacation + 10 days to needed second fill = not good! Not awful though. Back to the new normal on Wednesday.

Comparison Photos

Here are a few shots for comparison....

I can see the difference. Still no jaw line but my stomach is starting to recede - thank God!

Note to self - smile in the next set of "afters" and put on some makeup!

I think having the photos will really help me appreciate the progress. I've never done this in the past. It's helpful to be able to look at the photos and see the (now subtle) changes everywhere on my body.

The photos on the left were taken a few days ago and I'm around 34ish pounds down in them. The photos on the right were taken a week or two before surgery. No one outside of my family has really said anything which is fine - and pretty understandable. I work with a lot of men who probably wouldn't notice if my hair was on fire.

I'm fitting in to a lot of my clothes that I haven't been able to in some time which is fantastic! I think I have about 30-40 more pounds before I'll need to buy clothes. Elastic and stretch are the wonders of plus size clothing. I'd love to hold off on buying for as long as I can which is weird for me.

40 is a magic number that I'm fixating on for some reason. I've never lost 40 p0unds - for that matter I've never lost 34 ish pounds either :). But maybe if I can actually lose 40 pounds my mind will start accepting that I can get to my goal weight.

(What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love, and Understanding?

Struggling with your weight is in many ways an outward battle. When you are heavy and you walk down the street, people know. You look around the room and know you are the biggest person - and not in a good way. God forbid there are creaky lawn chairs involved in a bbq.

Being heavy isn't like some demons that you can keep hidden. So much of weight struggles manifest in practical, out there experiences... seats are taken up, clothes are too tight, sweat is way too prominent.

But, much of a struggle with weight takes place inside our heads. The toughest part of the struggle. The internal dialogue that seemingly doesn't end. The endless, silent agony that has plagued me for as long as I can remember. That little voice inside your head that is continually obsessed with food and weight - good and bad - 24/7. You're own little running commentary that is cataloging and documenting you based on one rating - up or down, thin or heavy and equating it all to "good or bad".

That's the most destructive part of having issues with weight - I think. God knows, others can have a profound affect of "feeding" that voice but I did the most damage to myself. How messed up our thinking can get. How we can hurt ourselves so much. The weight (pun intended) of living under the oppressive thinking patterns that I let myself get into was crushing.

The only time I can remember having that voice retreat was when I was pregnant. For the first time, I ate when I was hungry. I ate what I need to eat to sustain myself and nourish my baby. Food was about fuel but mostly, it was about making me feel better. But again, my outward behavior was just a part of it. The bigger piece - I didn't obsess. It was a non-issue in my life outside of nourishment. I don't even know how much I weighed when I went in to give birth. I knew I was being as healthy as I could be and that was what was important.

Maybe it was because it wasn't about me anymore? It wasn't about how I was feeling? Or what had been said to me? Or what I thought people were thinking or would think? Maybe I just gave myself a break for once? Maybe it was the hormones?

Last week when I was talking to my therapist (How many times am I going to type "talking to my therapist" in my blog? I should get a ticker), I was trying to verbalize something that I was terrified of jinxing - or even really admitting. I'm scared to type it too....

It's not gone completely but a good amount of the internal obsession has retreated. I feel like my thinking is healing, along with the scars on my stomach.

There have been some comments lately about a sense of "Peace" and I totally get what people are talking about and I'm glad I'm in line to get me more of what they're selling.

In the weeks leading up to surgery, I was talking to my husband and got emotional verbalizing a hope (almost too impossible of a hope) that my weight could one day not be an ever present issue. It didn't seem like that could ever be a reality. I'm not ready to say that I believe that this reality will exist. But, I am willing to say that just maybe, maybe... it might one day. That's insane.

So much of my life has been defined by weight - lost weight when we moved, gained weight at high school graduation, lost weight in college, "heavy" again by graduation, on and on and on.

What if... I lose weight and it stays off and I eat healthy (relatively) and don't obsess (outside of weighing myself every morning) and maybe even exercise on a fairly regular basis and provide a healthy role model for my daughter.

What if?

What if I lose the weight and it stays off?

What if?

It's enough of a new paradigm that this is even a viable question, let alone a plausible outcome.

I don't know. It really is crazy.

What do I know...

I feel better than I have in a long time.
The inside of my head is a happier, less obsessive place than it's been in a long time.
It's nice to have more options when I get dressed in the morning.
It's nice to have a bit of hope and to marvel at the possibilities every once in a while.
PMS can bite me - but that's another post for another day.