Addiction. It's a scary word. It's an even scary place to find yourself. I have a loved one who is an alcoholic. As he's gone through his recovery process (4 years sober on Sunday!), I've learned a lot about recovery, addiction and how they apply to my issues. Some people are addicts when it comes to food. They might be heavy, they might be thin but they are addicts. Some people aren't - even if they are heavy. I am an addict.
I've heard that there are three stages of addiction...
Stage One: Your drug of choice is fun, makes you feel better, have a high, a rush. It is a choice to use it.
Stage Two: You still get a high from your drug but it takes increasing amounts to get and sustain the high. It still makes you feel good but the let down is getting worse.
Stage Three: You use to maintain your habit. You use increasing amounts of your drug to maintain a menial level of existence. There isn't any feeling better, just a lot of feeling bad.
I've been in stage three for a while now... essentially since I decided to have the surgery. My habits make me feel bad - both physically and emotionally. I feel like I'm at my physical bottom and have been for some time. Over the last few weeks, I really have been struggling with feeling bad emotionally too.
I don't know if I'm being more introspective because the surgery is approaching? Because I feel like I'm getting closer to the "last times" for overeating, ordering too much, too many drive thrus ? Maybe because I can see the light getting closer, the "bad" stuff feels even worse. Maybe I'm just at the bottom.
I'm tired of feeling bad. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of discounting so much of my existence because I'm in such a bad place.
It's time to feel better.
My surgeon only requires a 3 day pre-op diet. However, I've decided to start my pre-op diet on the Tuesday after Labor Day. I'm going to do a combination of protein shakes, lean cusines and veggies (much like the last big weight loss push I did via a supervised program at the local university). Lots of water. Getting rid of soda. I can still have coffee right?
I want to get going. I want to do all I can to make sure that I'm as prepared as possible for the surgery. I don't want to go through withdrawal (essentially) while I'm recovering from surgery. I want to jump start my weight loss. I want to start moving forward. I want to start my recovery.
I've started therapy again as a part of this process and my therapist stopped me yesterday and had me repeat something that I'd said. I'd said "I want to do things that make me feel better". It's time.
Chapter 38: This one is for me
2 weeks ago