Bullshit and Some Truth
7 years ago
Friday, May 27, 2011
I ran.
I ran a mile. Actually, I ran slightly over a mile. A mile plus. And I didn’t die. And I maybe could have gone further. Maybe. I wasn’t setting the world on fire in terms of speed. But I jogged. I trotted. I ran. So far away.
I ran a mile. Four laps around the track. I sprinted about 50 feet at the end and my legs were wobbly but generally, I felt ok. I was working. I was sweating. My throat had that 8th grade P.E. burning feeling. After, we walked up and down the stadium seats and then walked another mile-ish.
I had to do a stress test as part of getting approved for surgery – as I’m sure many of you also did. In a stress test, you have to walk until your heart rate reaches a certain level. I remember the nurses saying that you should then walk/run for as long as you can after you reach the heart rate level. I barely made it to the heart rate level. I remember the lady asking me if I wanted to go on or stop and I definitely needed to stop. I couldn’t inhale a breath. I told her this after I sat down and she said I was hyperventilating. Literally.
Before the surgery, I spent a lot of time dreaming, hoping, bargaining, etc. about what it would be like to lose the weight. What I would look like? What could I wear? How would I walk up stairs? How would I fit in airplane seats? How I could dry my hair without sweating to death. Maybe I could run a 5k. Actually run it. Cross the finish line. My own personal marathon.
My old neighbor Jenny remembered that I’d said I had this pipe dream and suggested we register for this local race (loosely using that term). Maybe I could run the last mile she said. Yes, let’s do it I said. Without her push, this would always be something on the list that I hope to get to one day. But probably never will.
So, we went up to the track last night and started.
Long before the surgery, I remember hearing Elisabeth Hasselbeck talk about wanting to get back in shape and have her daughter be able to say “My Mommy is strong.” And that really resonated with me.
I desperately want Grace to be healthy, strong and happy with her body. Please God – don’t let her have the weight issues that I have had. And her father has had. And so many in our families have had. The odds are stacked against her genetically. I so want to be a good role model for her. Healthy and fit. Not hung up on nuances of imperfection.
I had a revelation last night while I was running. We were talking (and I was huffing) about being active and how we were active with our families growing up. I realized that I don’t have any positive memories about being active as a child. My memories are wrapped up in athletics. Playing a sport that I wasn’t good at, didn’t enjoy.
I played sports because I thought that’s what was expected – and it most likely was. My family was very wrapped up in team sports. I played softball, volleyball and basketball until my sophomore year of high school. Why? Because that’s what you did. My brother is a successful athlete. My dad is an athlete and coach. My mom is a fan.
I remember shooting lay-ups with my dad and trying hard to do it right but not succeeding really well. Playing sports was always a high stress situation because I never had confidence that my body was going to do what it was supposed to do. I am not coordinated. I can be more coordinated if I really try but I still am only marginally successful. I am not an athlete. When I think about being active with my family growing up, it’s usually a frustrating, high stress kind of memory. It wasn’t fun. I didn’t enjoy it.
I have maintained for quite a while now that I hate to exercise. And I do. Now, if I go for a walk or something, I do feel good after but I’d still rather sit on the couch, read a book and eat chips. I realized that I associate exercise/being active with something that you HAVE to do rather than something that people might choose to do. They might choose to do this for many different reasons. But it can be a choice. On their terms. And about what is important to them, not about living up to someone else’s expectations.
I’m sure this is like saying that the sky is blue to most people but I don’t think I’ve ever thought about this before. I always assumed that I just didn’t like to exercise because that is how it was/is. I never thought about how that might be a conditioned view. Maybe I don’t like to exercise/be active because I haven’t ever had a positive experience? Because I haven’t ever chosen to do it? Because I haven’t ever chosen what I wanted to do? Because I haven’t ever said – I wonder if my body can do this? Let’s find out.
Am I going to run a marathon? Nope. That is still something that isn’t going to happen. Why – because I don’t want to. I really don’t want to. However, there is a glimmer in my mind that maybe I could if I wanted to. Maybe. Still don’t know.
But I am going to run a 5k. The whole way. With a number pinned to my shirt. I can run. And Grace can say “My Mommy is Strong” and so can I. Because I choose to, because it’s important to me and because it’s meaningful to me. And that is all that matters.
I ran a mile. Four laps around the track. I sprinted about 50 feet at the end and my legs were wobbly but generally, I felt ok. I was working. I was sweating. My throat had that 8th grade P.E. burning feeling. After, we walked up and down the stadium seats and then walked another mile-ish.
I had to do a stress test as part of getting approved for surgery – as I’m sure many of you also did. In a stress test, you have to walk until your heart rate reaches a certain level. I remember the nurses saying that you should then walk/run for as long as you can after you reach the heart rate level. I barely made it to the heart rate level. I remember the lady asking me if I wanted to go on or stop and I definitely needed to stop. I couldn’t inhale a breath. I told her this after I sat down and she said I was hyperventilating. Literally.
Before the surgery, I spent a lot of time dreaming, hoping, bargaining, etc. about what it would be like to lose the weight. What I would look like? What could I wear? How would I walk up stairs? How would I fit in airplane seats? How I could dry my hair without sweating to death. Maybe I could run a 5k. Actually run it. Cross the finish line. My own personal marathon.
My old neighbor Jenny remembered that I’d said I had this pipe dream and suggested we register for this local race (loosely using that term). Maybe I could run the last mile she said. Yes, let’s do it I said. Without her push, this would always be something on the list that I hope to get to one day. But probably never will.
So, we went up to the track last night and started.
Long before the surgery, I remember hearing Elisabeth Hasselbeck talk about wanting to get back in shape and have her daughter be able to say “My Mommy is strong.” And that really resonated with me.
I desperately want Grace to be healthy, strong and happy with her body. Please God – don’t let her have the weight issues that I have had. And her father has had. And so many in our families have had. The odds are stacked against her genetically. I so want to be a good role model for her. Healthy and fit. Not hung up on nuances of imperfection.
I had a revelation last night while I was running. We were talking (and I was huffing) about being active and how we were active with our families growing up. I realized that I don’t have any positive memories about being active as a child. My memories are wrapped up in athletics. Playing a sport that I wasn’t good at, didn’t enjoy.
I played sports because I thought that’s what was expected – and it most likely was. My family was very wrapped up in team sports. I played softball, volleyball and basketball until my sophomore year of high school. Why? Because that’s what you did. My brother is a successful athlete. My dad is an athlete and coach. My mom is a fan.
I remember shooting lay-ups with my dad and trying hard to do it right but not succeeding really well. Playing sports was always a high stress situation because I never had confidence that my body was going to do what it was supposed to do. I am not coordinated. I can be more coordinated if I really try but I still am only marginally successful. I am not an athlete. When I think about being active with my family growing up, it’s usually a frustrating, high stress kind of memory. It wasn’t fun. I didn’t enjoy it.
I have maintained for quite a while now that I hate to exercise. And I do. Now, if I go for a walk or something, I do feel good after but I’d still rather sit on the couch, read a book and eat chips. I realized that I associate exercise/being active with something that you HAVE to do rather than something that people might choose to do. They might choose to do this for many different reasons. But it can be a choice. On their terms. And about what is important to them, not about living up to someone else’s expectations.
I’m sure this is like saying that the sky is blue to most people but I don’t think I’ve ever thought about this before. I always assumed that I just didn’t like to exercise because that is how it was/is. I never thought about how that might be a conditioned view. Maybe I don’t like to exercise/be active because I haven’t ever had a positive experience? Because I haven’t ever chosen to do it? Because I haven’t ever chosen what I wanted to do? Because I haven’t ever said – I wonder if my body can do this? Let’s find out.
Am I going to run a marathon? Nope. That is still something that isn’t going to happen. Why – because I don’t want to. I really don’t want to. However, there is a glimmer in my mind that maybe I could if I wanted to. Maybe. Still don’t know.
But I am going to run a 5k. The whole way. With a number pinned to my shirt. I can run. And Grace can say “My Mommy is Strong” and so can I. Because I choose to, because it’s important to me and because it’s meaningful to me. And that is all that matters.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Inching closer
I had a fantastic girl's trip to Texas this past weekend with two of my best girlfriends. So fun! And such an easier packing/dressing/stressing experience being 98 pounds down.
That's right - 98 pounds. So close to one of the biggest milestones of them all.
I did a modified three-day liquid diet last week to try to close the deal but didn't make it. That's ok.
My band was super tight while I was in Texas which was kind of a pain. I was thinking it was from flying but I haven't ever had flying problems in the past. It finally dawned on me as I was leaving that I was pre-menstrual. Being much tighter for roughly the week before my period is pretty common.
So, I'm kind of being lazy eating-wise for a bit and then I'm going to try to do the modified liquid thing and at least get down past 100 pounds down. This will also get me into "onederland".
It was so weird when I was packing. We expected Texas to be super hot. I actually checked my packing list twice because it seemed like there was so little clothing in my suitcase. Before, any trip would have been hard to pack for, let alone a trip to someplace hot. It's so much easier weighing 98 pounds less. Finding clothes, buying clothes, wearing clothes, moving, being.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
A Long and Rambling Update
I've got about eight post it notes floating around with thoughts and ideas for a blog post. Why I'm still at essentially the same weight that I've been in what feels like forever. Why I'm anxious to get to goal. How this size/body is starting to feel normal. How I can eat just fine after my un-fill and having gotten a glimpse of maintaining (after having essentially maintained for the last few months), I'm feeling pretty good about that. - But, we'll get to those thoughts in more depth at some point. Maybe. - I went and saw Dr. Minkin today. I'd lost 3 pounds by his scale since I last saw him for my unfill. I think that was around the end of January. He gave me a bit of a pep talk which is totally warranted and said again though that I was doing well. - He had put .5 ccs into the band with my last fill and took that out. He put .4 back in today. I chugged the cup of water after and it went down just fine - I could feel it a little though. He said he felt a bit of a push back when he put the fluid in. Not sure what that's about exactly. - I'm hopefully that this gets me back to a good spot (not that I've been in an awful spot). Restricted but no reflux. Hunger diminished. Sailing on to goal. - Speaking of the goal. I'm so freaking close! When I was super heavy, it was so daunting to think about the huge (pun intended) amount of weight that I needed to lose. I had always been able to lose 20 pounds, no problem. Losing one hundred plus was impossible. Now that I am 16 pounds away from an even 100 down, 25 away from 190 which would be "overweight" and then 35 away from my final goal.... it's so very very close. Close enough that I guess it's not too bad where I'm at. But, it's not the end. It's not goal. - I'm not really ancy to get to the goal because I think I look awful where I'm at and if I lose 35 more pounds I'll look good. Relatively speaking, I look just fine. Not that there isn't incredible room for improvement like hopefully these next 35 pounds will mostly come off of my midsection but it's an entirely differently ballgame these days than it was less than a year ago. - I want to see the numbers though. I want to say I've lost 100 pounds - to me at least. It's a little embarrassing to tell someone else. I want to know that I'm no longer "obese" but merely overweight. I want to go GOOOAAAALLLLL!!!! on my blog. And, I want to buy pants, and shirts, and dresses, and belts (who knew) and fancy jeans and and and. And I want to know that when I buy them, I can invest if I want to. I won't have to worry if I'll be able to get them taken in or not. Or, that I'll have to get rid of my new favorite pants because they don't fit anymore. Oh, the challenges of the weight stable population. - And again, how do people that consistently wear a regular size deal with all of the selection options out there. It is really overwhelming. - So, my doctor says liquids for one day, soft foods the next then your regular diet. Last fill I pushed it (nachos on day three or four as I recall). I'm going to do liquids today and tomorrow and then soft foods for the next two days before easing back into a regular diet. Hopefully this will help the fill settle in and provide a nice little dip on the scale. - Three more goals - 16 to 100 down, 25 to 190 then 35 to 180. It's time to get it done.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Checking In
Still 80ish pounds down. I'm glad I track my weight weekly on my handy-dandy spreadsheet. It feels like I haven't lost anything in months. Overly dramatic much? Looking a gift horse in the mouth much?
I've lost 80 pounds in 8 month - part of me tells myself to quit my bitching. The spreadsheet helps to bring me a bit back to reality.
Turns out, I've lost 10 pounds since the beginning of December. 10 pounds over the last 2 1/2, almost 3 months. So, more than nothing but definitely not setting the world on fire.
For essentially all of January and February, I have bounced around between 221.6 and 215.6. The good news - I've gotten a taste of maintenance and I think it will be fine. I haven't been making the best choices. Been eating too many sweets, not enough protein, not enough water, too much grazing. But, staying pretty steady at about 218 ish.
But, 218 isn't the goal. Time to kick this into gear.
I've had many of the inevitable internal discussions with myself about to fill or not to fill. Do I need one? Can I eat too much? Is that the issue. I had an appointment with my Doctor for tomorrow and I just called and rescheduled it for April 4. I've decided my fill level isn't the issue.
Now, I can eat a whole bunch of things. I've had rice. I've had bread. I've had toast. But, my portion size needed to get full is still pretty minimal. For example, I made steak for dinner on Sunday. I've never cooked a steak before. I'm always afraid I'll ruin it but it turned out great.
So, for dinner I had about 4-5 bites of salad with a few pistachios, asiago , vinaigrette, about 4-5 bites of my steak, about 2 bites of bread and about 4 bites of mashed potatoes. Plus maybe an ounce or two of red wine. I could eat everything. I had to take small bites and chew well. This was a very modest amount of food though and I was full. Very satisfied. Plus, we had this for dinner and I'd had very little to eat throughout the day - essentially just coffee and a spoonful or two of chunky peanut butter.
If I want to continue to lose weight, I need to limit the sweets and up the protein and water. It seems like I lose if I'm between 800-1000 calories a day. This seems like nothing but I think I can actually eat that much and be satisfied. I'm starting to track what I'm eating again so I can get a real sense of my calorie intake and protein intake.
Does anyone else get the shoulder pain still? I find that my shoulder hurts both when I'm really full and when I'm hungry or I should be hungry. I don't eat much during the day on the weekends (as long as I'm busy) besides coffee and I find that my shoulder starts to hurt well before my stomach starts to growl. I've gotten used to it and it's not awful but it's sort of funny.
I saw 215.6 this morning. Hopefully we'll see it again (and lower) soon! It's time to go shopping!
I've lost 80 pounds in 8 month - part of me tells myself to quit my bitching. The spreadsheet helps to bring me a bit back to reality.
Turns out, I've lost 10 pounds since the beginning of December. 10 pounds over the last 2 1/2, almost 3 months. So, more than nothing but definitely not setting the world on fire.
For essentially all of January and February, I have bounced around between 221.6 and 215.6. The good news - I've gotten a taste of maintenance and I think it will be fine. I haven't been making the best choices. Been eating too many sweets, not enough protein, not enough water, too much grazing. But, staying pretty steady at about 218 ish.
But, 218 isn't the goal. Time to kick this into gear.
I've had many of the inevitable internal discussions with myself about to fill or not to fill. Do I need one? Can I eat too much? Is that the issue. I had an appointment with my Doctor for tomorrow and I just called and rescheduled it for April 4. I've decided my fill level isn't the issue.
Now, I can eat a whole bunch of things. I've had rice. I've had bread. I've had toast. But, my portion size needed to get full is still pretty minimal. For example, I made steak for dinner on Sunday. I've never cooked a steak before. I'm always afraid I'll ruin it but it turned out great.
So, for dinner I had about 4-5 bites of salad with a few pistachios, asiago , vinaigrette, about 4-5 bites of my steak, about 2 bites of bread and about 4 bites of mashed potatoes. Plus maybe an ounce or two of red wine. I could eat everything. I had to take small bites and chew well. This was a very modest amount of food though and I was full. Very satisfied. Plus, we had this for dinner and I'd had very little to eat throughout the day - essentially just coffee and a spoonful or two of chunky peanut butter.
If I want to continue to lose weight, I need to limit the sweets and up the protein and water. It seems like I lose if I'm between 800-1000 calories a day. This seems like nothing but I think I can actually eat that much and be satisfied. I'm starting to track what I'm eating again so I can get a real sense of my calorie intake and protein intake.
Does anyone else get the shoulder pain still? I find that my shoulder hurts both when I'm really full and when I'm hungry or I should be hungry. I don't eat much during the day on the weekends (as long as I'm busy) besides coffee and I find that my shoulder starts to hurt well before my stomach starts to growl. I've gotten used to it and it's not awful but it's sort of funny.
I saw 215.6 this morning. Hopefully we'll see it again (and lower) soon! It's time to go shopping!
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