(What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love, and Understanding?

Struggling with your weight is in many ways an outward battle. When you are heavy and you walk down the street, people know. You look around the room and know you are the biggest person - and not in a good way. God forbid there are creaky lawn chairs involved in a bbq.

Being heavy isn't like some demons that you can keep hidden. So much of weight struggles manifest in practical, out there experiences... seats are taken up, clothes are too tight, sweat is way too prominent.

But, much of a struggle with weight takes place inside our heads. The toughest part of the struggle. The internal dialogue that seemingly doesn't end. The endless, silent agony that has plagued me for as long as I can remember. That little voice inside your head that is continually obsessed with food and weight - good and bad - 24/7. You're own little running commentary that is cataloging and documenting you based on one rating - up or down, thin or heavy and equating it all to "good or bad".

That's the most destructive part of having issues with weight - I think. God knows, others can have a profound affect of "feeding" that voice but I did the most damage to myself. How messed up our thinking can get. How we can hurt ourselves so much. The weight (pun intended) of living under the oppressive thinking patterns that I let myself get into was crushing.

The only time I can remember having that voice retreat was when I was pregnant. For the first time, I ate when I was hungry. I ate what I need to eat to sustain myself and nourish my baby. Food was about fuel but mostly, it was about making me feel better. But again, my outward behavior was just a part of it. The bigger piece - I didn't obsess. It was a non-issue in my life outside of nourishment. I don't even know how much I weighed when I went in to give birth. I knew I was being as healthy as I could be and that was what was important.

Maybe it was because it wasn't about me anymore? It wasn't about how I was feeling? Or what had been said to me? Or what I thought people were thinking or would think? Maybe I just gave myself a break for once? Maybe it was the hormones?

Last week when I was talking to my therapist (How many times am I going to type "talking to my therapist" in my blog? I should get a ticker), I was trying to verbalize something that I was terrified of jinxing - or even really admitting. I'm scared to type it too....

It's not gone completely but a good amount of the internal obsession has retreated. I feel like my thinking is healing, along with the scars on my stomach.

There have been some comments lately about a sense of "Peace" and I totally get what people are talking about and I'm glad I'm in line to get me more of what they're selling.

In the weeks leading up to surgery, I was talking to my husband and got emotional verbalizing a hope (almost too impossible of a hope) that my weight could one day not be an ever present issue. It didn't seem like that could ever be a reality. I'm not ready to say that I believe that this reality will exist. But, I am willing to say that just maybe, maybe... it might one day. That's insane.

So much of my life has been defined by weight - lost weight when we moved, gained weight at high school graduation, lost weight in college, "heavy" again by graduation, on and on and on.

What if... I lose weight and it stays off and I eat healthy (relatively) and don't obsess (outside of weighing myself every morning) and maybe even exercise on a fairly regular basis and provide a healthy role model for my daughter.

What if?

What if I lose the weight and it stays off?

What if?

It's enough of a new paradigm that this is even a viable question, let alone a plausible outcome.

I don't know. It really is crazy.

What do I know...

I feel better than I have in a long time.
The inside of my head is a happier, less obsessive place than it's been in a long time.
It's nice to have more options when I get dressed in the morning.
It's nice to have a bit of hope and to marvel at the possibilities every once in a while.
PMS can bite me - but that's another post for another day.

30 Down!

Woo Hoo - officially at the 30 lbs down mark. I'm not sure if I've ever hit that before. I usually stall out at 20 down. I continue to be surprised at how I can eat so much less than before but still the scale can bounce and bounce and bounce. But, it said 268.4 this morning and I'm going to take it!!

It's also awesome to see the "60" (I'm going to gloss over the 2 in front of it for now). So much closer to a tolerable number and further and further away from the dreaded 3.

I pretty much have no restriction and I am working hard to continue to see the scale go down. I don't have another fill until Aug. 25. My doctor is going on vacation and his office said he's double and triple booked. I can call today to see if there is a cancellation so I'll try that.

I've really been aware that nightime is not the "righttime" for me and healthy eating. Or, it can be healthy but the volume is just too much. Once I get started, it's tough not to keep snacking. So, I'm trying to not eat anything after 7 p.m. I've done this for 2 nights - yeah! Last night I was really hungry by the time I fell asleep but I held fast.

For now, I'll enjoy being able to drink my water fairly quickly and not freak out about eating in public. I'm heading to California for work and will have to eat in front of people for the next three days. I'm a little worried but I'll just take it slow. People in California don't eat anyway right?

It feels really good to be in a new decade and I can't wait to hit the next one!

Scale worked this morning - yeah! Dependent much?

Stupid scale broke! Now what?!?!?!?

First Fill

I had my first fill this morning and it went just fine. He felt around for the port (weird!) and it sort of felt like when you get a tetanus shot or get blood drawn. I was surprised when I checked afterwards that it bled a little.

I didn't ask how much saline he put in. I sort of don't want to know so I don't obsess about how much or how little restriction I'm "supposed" to have. My next appointment is in 6 weeks which sort of seems like a long time but again - trying not to obsess prematurely. Plenty of time for that later.

When I drank my cup of water, I could tell I couldn't drink nearly as fast as I have been. I'm still working on my latte that I got on the way into work and it's going down easier. Liquids today, mushies tomorrow, normal(ish) on Friday.

He seemed happy with my weight loss so far and encouraged me to start exercising so it looks like our dog Gigi has more walks in her future. I'm going to try - anything is better than nothing! I wish it wasn't a million degrees outside but frankly, there will always be something that I can blame for not wanting to exercise.

I'm hoping I can lose at least 12 pounds between now and my next appointment (34 total - 265). That would be 2 a week. My stretch hope would be 20 (42 total - 257) which would be super. Downward movement of any kind is welcome!

Steady as She Goes

I told my therapist the other day that I felt like I did when I was first pregnant. See, when I was first pregnant, I felt pretty normal for the first month or so. No nausea, no weight gain (actually lost probably), nada. I felt like I should have a neon sign on my forehead or something but everything appeared to be status quo.

Everything had changed but in many ways, nothing had changed.

I sort of feel the same with the band. In so many ways, everything has changed.....

* I already feel better physically - not awesome but better.

* I feel so much better emotionally - I know I'm going to stay on the wagon.

* While I still haven't seen the 22 lbs down number that was there (I swear) before I transitioned to soft food, I have stayed consistently down 17 pounds. Old Susan would have fallen off the wagon by now, gotten back on a bit and would now be heading towards regaining those 17 pounds plus.

* I'm not perfect, but I'm making pretty good choices. Eggs are my friends. I have eaten Tuna multiple times for God's sake and that is truly a miracle.

And, when you start to feel better, you know when you're feeling crummy that there is probably something going on. I was extra hungry this week (or rather just wanted to snack) and I looked at the calendar and realized that I should start my period - and I did. So, I blame the starbursts and oatmeal cookies on that but again, could have been a whole lot worse!

* I only have 5 days until my first fill! Trying not to jump the gun and think ahead to my next fill after that :). I'm a little freaked about it possibly taking a while to feel restriction so I'm hopeful that I'll get there pretty soon. The nurse said my doctor is pretty aggressive about fills. How soon after your "first" did you get your "second" and "third" ...?

So, everything really has changed and more and more, the "nothing" is turning into "somethings". The biggest thing - hope has returned and that is worthy of the happy dance right there.

The Honeymoon's Over?

I'm hungry. Again. Eleven days until my first fill - yeah!

Now, me saying I'm hungry is relative because I think I'm still getting much fuller much more quickly than before the band. I'm just eating more than I was in the days after surgery - which is understandable.

Last night wasn't great. It was a combination of just wanting to eat in the evening and I was actually hungry and having a hard time getting full. In my quest for validation (and/or a cyber slap on the hand), I was reading on Lapband Talk. It sounds like during this in-between time, I should do my best but eat until I am full so I can heal? Is that just rationalizing at its finest or actual truth?

I've got a call into our program's dietitian to check on a few things and I'll talk to her about this.

I think I'm doing pretty well but the scale just keeps bouncing. I haven't seen the 277 low again and have been stuck in the low 280s. I'm blaming this on my body adjusting because heaven knows I'm eating way less than I was before.

And - I had tuna salad for lunch and actually liked it! Salmon patties tonight for dinner. Hummus and deviled eggs for the bbqs this weekend. See - I'm hungry.

Happy 4th everyone!